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Word Gems 

exploring self-realization, sacred personhood, and full humanity

 


Soulmate, Myself:
Omega Point

Kairissi & Elenchus:
VI

 

 

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Elenchus. Most of the time I feel half-way normal. But then a song or movie triggers an image about us from the past, causing a wave of anger, inundating me. In those moments I realize I still have a lot of unprocessed bad feelings.

Kairissi. (softly) I know I hurt you, Ellus… if another girl had done something bad to you, you’d have brushed it off because you wouldn’t have really cared. But each of us -- each for the other --reaches the other person, way down deep, as no one else can.

E. Sometimes what I feel is worse than anger.

K. (silence)

E. Sometimes I just feel so... embarrassed.

K. (very softly) -- “embarrassed”?

E. Embarrassed and humiliated.

K. What do you mean?

E. Sometimes I just sit alone and whisper to myself, I feel so embarrassed… I feel so embarrassed -- and so angry.

K. (silence)

E. I’m thinking of that time when I finally told you everything… I made myself open and vulnerable… defenses were down… In my whole life I’d never done that…

K. (a near whisper) Do you regret telling me, Elenchus?

E. What I said is true, will always be true. I don’t regret acknowledging what’s real… I thought I was talking to somebody I could trust… who wanted me… And now what I feel is just embarrassment and anger. To speak so unguardedly, to reveal one’s most treasured thoughts, with utmost honesty and candor, is the true nakedness… something you dare with only one person… but, I don’t know who you are anymore, Kriss.

K. (silence)

E. I feel so embarrassed… so embarrassed -- and so angry. You know I’m a private person. I don’t go around sharing my deepest thoughts, making myself vulnerable, to immature and vicious people… I feel like I was tricked into speaking too openly, and this makes me feel really embarrassed, and angry… and there’s another reason for this embarrassment… I allowed myself to emotionally invest too much, to want you too much, and now your reaction makes me feel really stupid, and angry, that I could have misread you that way… that I could have so misjudged your sentiments, and even your character, as you responded in the degrading way that you did… and I'm not sure if I can ever forgive you... I think you know I'm not famous for giving people second chances if they betray a trust.

K. (softly) Elenchus… I care for you deeply… deeply… I have since I was a little girl... and I don’t know how to make myself clear, or credible, in what I’m about to say, but… I was not in total control of my actions when I acknowledged your communication… I said things I didn’t mean... things not in my heart... not the real me…

E. How can I accept an answer like this, Kriss? If what you say is true, then, which Jekyll and Hyde will come to me next? … How can I live with or build a life around that?... I don't think I can trust you... I despair that you could ever cherish me now... as I cherish you… I feel too much, want you too much, and I cannot abide this lopsided battery of affection.

K. (very softly) But, Ellus…

E. And I have a fear for you, too, Krissi; that you, eventually growing into an awareness of what you did, the treachery of your action – that, you might not be able to forgive yourself, or believe that I could forgive you. And this lack of trust all around, this entrenched wariness – poisoning intimacy and sacred romance at the root – especially, that joyous, carefree aspect, the teasing and joking banter... And that’s what I miss most with you.

K. (silence)

  

I have lost myself...

Enya

Stars And Midnight Blue

Memories we shared together
Moments no one else can know
I will keep them close to me, never let them go
Once you filled my hands with roses
Then you gave your heart to me, love was meant to be
Time goes by, snow is slowly drifting
cold, cold night
You have lost yourself in dreaming
I have lost myself in you
Now we lie beneath the sky
Stars and midnight blue
Stars and midnight blue

 

 

E. This song, in a few words, tells us how we’re different: “You've lost yourself in dreaming,” but “I've lost myself in you.”

K. (silence)

E. You have lost yourself in the dream of this world’s materialistic illusion, this manufactured fantasy of mortal existence – all of which is passing away. But my life is inextricably entwined with yours, as it will be, even a million years from now.

K. (sighing)

E. My perception of what’s real, however, does me no good... if I cannot trust you… You were more than unkind… but vicious… and I don’t know if I can forgive you… My anger makes me want to say, I need to leave this world, go and hide my face somewhere... make a new life for myself on the other side, find someone sane to love – with a strict vow never to see you again... because... when I said "I felt so embarrassed"... some of that embarrassment... was for you... as you were acting so low-level and even boorishly... I was embarrassed for you because I knew you were misrepresenting yourself, even damaging yourself, in your untoward outburst... and a time would come when you would deeply regret saying one word to me that way.

K. (deeply sighing) (softly) Ellus… we promised each other... a long time ago, that... at least one of us would remain sane.

E. (sighing)

 

a fire was in my head

Star Trek: Enterprise (2002), episode "Rogue Planet"

 

Having brought to mind a poem of youth, W.B. Yeats’ “The Song of Wandering Aengus,” Captain Archer finds verse coming to life as he encounters an enfleshed representation of, his subconscious's yearning for, a perfection of womanly beauty:

Archer: “I know who you are.”

Woman: (smiling) “You remembered.”

Archer: (astonished at all that she is) “Thank you… for reminding me.”

Woman: “Never stop seeking [your ideal of beauty, though it] seems unattainable.”

 

 

 

Editor’s note: “Aengus” of Yeats’ poem was offered a fleeting glimpse of the most beautiful woman he could imagine. She quickly faded from sight; however, so shaken was he by the incident that he spent the rest of his life searching for her. "Till time and times are done," he would search; he had no choice.

 

The Song of Wandering Aengus
William Butler Yeats
 

I went out to the hazel wood,
Because a fire was in my head,
And cut and peeled a hazel wand,
And hooked a berry to a thread;
And when white moths were on the wing,
And moth-like stars were flickering out,
I dropped the berry in a stream
And caught a little silver trout.

When I had laid it on the floor
I went to blow the fire a-flame,
But something rustled on the floor,
And someone called me by my name:
It had become a glimmering girl
With apple blossom in her hair
Who called me by my name and ran
And faded through the brightening air.

Though I am old with wandering
Through hollow lands and hilly lands,
I will find out where she has gone,
And kiss her lips and take her hands;
And walk among long dappled grass,
And pluck till time and times are done,
The silver apples of the moon,
The golden apples of the sun.

 

 

We need not doubt that Yeats speaks in veiled terms of his own misfortunes concerning thwarted romantic love. In the "holodeck" writing we discussed his dilemma:

But, O that I were young again, and held her in my arms!

  

This most-fervent sorrowing of William Butler Yeats, one of great poets of the 20th century, reveals an open-wound trauma in his life. He had married late, wanting a son to perpetuate the family line, but was very unhappy with his much younger bride. The one whom he truly loved was not available; even so, we're told, he actually wrote to his true love during his honeymoon! How tragic.

special note: With great interest, I learned that Yeats had pursued evidence for the afterlife; further, he credited some of his poetic insights to sources from the astral realms.

The search for Perfect Beauty is no mere frivolous activity nor optional side-trip in our lives. Without success in this area, we will not survive the daunting task of living forever. See the four articles on the nature and meaning of “Beauty.”

Strange thing, though – each person will define ultimate beauty a little differently; as we learn from the ancient Spirit Guides, each person harbors a unique and particular definition of happiness. That definition becomes embodied in the visage of your destined Twin Soul, and her “made in the image” status will reveal the face of God to you. See “The Wedding Song.”