home | what's new | other sites | contact | about

Word Gems 

exploring self-realization, sacred personhood, and full humanity

A Course In Miracles

return to "The Course" main-page:

holy relationship

For an unholy relationship is based on differences, where each one has what he has not. They come together, each to complete himself and rob the other. They stay until they think that there is nothing left to steal, and then move on. And so they [are] … living … perhaps under a common roof that shelters neither; in the same room and yet a world apart.

A holy relationship starts from a different premise. Each one has looked within and seen no lack. Accepting his completion, he would extend it by joining with another, whole as himself… he looks on nothing he would take…

Forsake not now your brother… Either you give each other life or death; either you are each other’s savior or his judge, offering him sanctuary or condemnation… Heaven is the home of perfect purity, and God created it for you. Look on your holy brother, sinless as yourself, and let him lead you there…

In an unholy relationship, each one is valued because he seems to justify the other’s sin. Each sees within the other what impels him to sin against his will. And thus he lays his sins upon the other, and is attracted to him to perpetuate his sins… [A] holy relationship [is] a common state of mind, where both give errors gladly to correction, that both may happily be healed as one…

[W]hen you feel the need arise to be defensive about anything, you have identified yourself with an illusion [which you feel needs to be defended]. And therefore feel that you are weak because you are alone [separated from all]. This is the cost of all illusions…

[Within] a holy relationship there is no [perception, neither a reality of] sin. The form of error is no longer seen, and reason, joined with love, looks quietly on all confusion, observing merely, “This was a mistake.” … Who can deny the vision that he brings to others? … You will see your value through your brother’s eyes, and each one is released as he beholds his savior in place of the attacker who he thought was there. Through this releasing is the world released. This is your part is bringing [world] peace… The light that joins you and your brother shines throughout the universe…

The word “relationship,” especially a “holy” one, might lead us to thoughts of a perfect romantic "match made in heaven." But this is not what the Course has in mind.

Let us recall that the purpose of the Course is that of “mind training,” “knowing oneself,” and “awakening.” While one’s eternal happiness, finding love and joy, is the ultimate goal, we’ll never possess these in any meaningful sense unless we first remove from our lives the influence of the dysfunctional ego.

With this in mind, we should not be surprised that the Course does not emphasize, as a first order of business, finding one’s eternal mate. That will happen in due time once we make progress in the area of spiritual maturity. (See my four articles on spirituality.)

This means that a “holy relationship,” as defined by the Course, will be any interpersonal association which helps us perfect and mature our spirits. Romantic relationships are included here, but not to exclude our dealings with friends, parents, workmates, and even brief encounters with strangers. In other words, according to the Course, if meeting with others helps us to spiritually mature, it’s “holy.”

How does this work?

Sometimes – maybe even most times – an interchange with others can help us advance when it's unpleasant. This may sound strange but there's a certain logic to it. If being around perfectly gracious people helped us – in the way that we primarily need to be helped -- we might as well have stayed in Summerland and not have bothered to make this wonderful trip.

Ram Dass once wryly commented, to the effect, "If you think you're so spiritual, just go and spend a week with your parents, and you'll find out." Abigail Adams, too, said, “these are the times that try men’s souls” on planet Earth; and, in the trying, if we make the right choices, and remain present to the inner “true self,” we will exit the process in a more profitable position than when we entered. Welcome to the “holy relationship.”

special note:

[W]hen you feel the need arise to be defensive about anything, you have identified yourself with an illusion [which you feel needs to be defended]. And therefore feel that you are weak because you are alone [separated from all]. This is the cost of all illusions…

Here’s an excellent example of how the “holy relationship” works.

You’re with someone and he or she says something that galls you. Inwardly you bristle, and maybe not just inwardly but you say some things in retaliation. In these situations we are presented with a "holy" teaching moment:

We feel “defensive.” Why do we feel defensive? We do so because “you have identified yourself with an illusion.” This means that, in some form or fashion, our metaparadigm has been threatened. Our whole philosophical world depends on it surviving, and so we get mad and want to fight.

But, as the Course points out, this unsatisfactory response serves to reveal an “illusion” which we've been safeguarding beneath a mask of civility. It's living disingenuously. This is not what we want because we'll never find our eternal happiness, or our eternal mate, until we come to terms with this egoic way of thinking.

The person who got you hot and bothered is in a "holy relationship" with you because you would not have known the depths of the sickness within but for his poking and prodding. Various ones on the other side are on record to have said, "It's better to learn certain lessons while you're still on the Earth, they're easier to learn there." For a long time I wondered what this advice could mean, but maybe we understand now.